I’ve been surrounded by inspiration yet it doesn’t seem to be affecting me. I guess it wouldn’t be inspiration then. Should-be-inspiration, I’ll call it. A few thoughts that have been running through my mind. It seems that when choice is taken away from you the joy and comfort of your position is as well, regardless of any actual change in situation besides the removal of potential options. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, maybe it does. I’m not gonna try and convince any of this into being well thought out ideas. The excitement in living is the potential of achieving or arriving at a dream, a personal desired position and state of being. I’m not content with where I’m at and I don’t feel excitement, not because I’m not where I want to be, I don’t think people often get to that place, but more so because I don’t feel that I’m currently moving in that direction, or I don’t even have a clear idea of where that even is. I feel like I’m lost without a compass. Not sure what to do so I’m just moving one way and then unhappy so I make a turn, never being sure of where I’m ultimately trying to go. I have my dreams, my personal desired state of being, but I’m not happy with what I’m doing (or not doing) to get there. I want to be free. I want to photograph with a purpose. I want to shoot on assignment. I want my labor to make use of my skills and passions. I know what I want to do well, I know what I want to master, and it’s to be able to document our current history. The state of emotion in humans in this current age. How do I do that? I’m not sure. I want to be a historian. The problem here is fear. Not entirely fear of failure but fear of going the wrong way. Straying too far from the familiar without a compass or trail to follow back. I look around me and it seems as if the people in my life are achieving goals. Various goals that are considered most desirable to our generation. Building a family, higher education, or seeing the world. I don’t feel like I’m doing any of those three nor am I building toward one of them. I need to change something. Sad to admit it but it seems that in order for
a person me to make a great change, I need a dramatic push. A big event to knock me into the state of mind. I envy those who know where they want to be. That’s the biggest achievement of all. Once you know what you want to be doing there’s no risk involved. When you are uncomfortable no matter where you stand if it isn’t in the light of that goal, there is no fear of failing or getting lost because any change or attempt in the direction of that goal is progression. I guess this is ultimately what every human being strives for. But in these times we have so much too much access to the lives of those around us. We can see and follow every achievement and every step of progress in the lives of nearly everyone we encounter which leaves a whole lot of room for comparison, self-reflection, and then discouragement. It’s dangerous. It’s complex. Life in this century is insanely complex, everything we do is an attempt to make life more simple, yet the majority of the time we are all adding to the complexity. Are we too smart now? Maybe being so intelligent and having access to so much of the world has actually taken away from human wisdom. Maybe. I think the idea of fate becomes more complex the longer you think about it. It’s not as simple as “whatever is meant to happen happens”. Part of me feels that no matter what, I’ll get to where I want to be. And that’s comforting. But, it also worries me. These busy thoughts won’t make any change but hopefully it’ll be a gentle push in the path I want to take.
It feels nice to spill my mixed up brain out on
paper my blog.